A cycle to be broken

Today, and for the past few days it's been a real struggle for me. I've been pulling with such an intensity that it makes me stop to ask is there something deeper going on? I thought that the urges would decrease as I came closer to living out my purpose, but it's actually accelerated -- enough so to make me wonder if I am in the middle of a spiritual war.

You know, for some it might sound crazy but I do believe that the more we realize God's purpose for us and walk in that path, the more the devil turns up the heat...literally, causing you to engage in destructive behavior or thinking that throws you off your game.

I never used to think that, but everytime I deepen my spiritual walk distractions come about that could make a weak person crumble.

I woke up with the urge to write because I have been struggling to go to sleep all week, and my pulling has been at the worst in many years. However, in this week I also had some powerful realizations about my life and the direction in which it should go. Hence, my conclusion that there is a bigger force trying to muck it all up.

At any rate, I am determined that I will one day comb my hair in all its splendor and perhaps not return to the way it used to be, but with a new appreciation for the look of today.

This journey has forced me to take a very close look at myself and learn to really love me --- for exactly who I am. It's been a painful and insightful process and yes, while I might have preferred an easier way to discover the beauty I have within, it's been worth it.

We're so bombarded with the popular beliefs about beauty and I think that right now we're in an obsessive overdrive about our physical looks. It's so damaging to the psyche, especially for little girls. All this talk about the big reveal and how to make everything better with a pill, a nip, a tuck...it's enough to make you scream, "enough already!!!" It's like they're trying to bring Barbie to life but in reality there are dangerous consequences.

I think about how I used to hate my hair because it wasn't long, and it wasn't 'soft enough' or 'good enough.' But when I reflect on all the times colleagues wished their hair had the versatility of my soft, curly locks, I know that what I had was special. It's just that somewhere along the line, my self hatred for my natural hair evolved into this seemingly uncontrollable animal called Trichotillomania. Now I don't accept the mania part, because it's not so much about feeling crazy as it is a vice or a learned response to what is going on in my life. Unfortunately there's no patch to fix this, and the pills...I'm not even sure they really treat the problem.

It's so tough sometimes to explain and even tougher to understand why this is my cross to bear. In the past I bargained with God to make it go away but intuitively I know that this was part of the lesson to get me to stop comparing myself to others for what they were born with and love every strand that God has given to me.

A new day is on the horizon and I will leave this long, tiresome era in the past. I know God will bring me through this...he has to...he promised.