When will it end?

I haven't been back to write in a couple weeks but the urge really hit me today. For the first time in a while I was struck by the fear of having to reveal my hair pulling to a man. Not that I've met one, well, maybe for the time being; but the point is that regardless of the depth of the relationship, if you decide to move beyond friendship, the 'why do you wear a wig' question will always come up.

It's one that I tend to dread and avoid for as long as possible because I have felt the rejection and the "horror" from some very shallow folks. It's not like I'm bald, but I guess when a man meets you with a certain look and then behind the scenes that 'look' is altered, it's a tough pill to swallow. So where does one go from here? How do I keep myself looking appealing while I work through this thing, yet be "real" enough that men don't run away?

I know, I know, if they're real men they won't go anywhere, but it's so scary to have to find out. I'm not getting any younger, and sometimes I find myself just wanting a 'right now' relationship, but who the hell wants to open up so a temporary somebody when it takes so much courage to just share your secret? I've learned not to question God anymore about why this is the lot I've been given, however, I do know that I am soooo ready for the pulling to end... I miss having hair to comb and style, so why can't that be enough for me to just stop cold turkey? This #ish is challenging but I want it to be an effortless transition. I'm typing and putting my hands in my hair. How bad is that? Father, can you hear me? Make it stop....I'd like to wake up tomorrow and not remember what it was like to even play in my hair. can you do that for me? Please?