I've got this secret...one that makes me feel as though I'm living two lives. To the rest of the world I'm so well put together but once I close the door behind me, the struggle begins. Such is the life of a person with Trichotillomania - Trich for short. Trich is an impulse control disorder or form of self-injury characterized by the repeated urge to pull out [bodily hair - from the scalp, lashes and other areas], sometimes resulting in noticeable bald patches (Source: Wikipedia).
Why do I do this? If I knew that answer I'd have a full head of hair right now. See, it started as a result of wearing braids too tight, then stress, then it morphed into a strange way of responding to my stress. Today I'm hiding my inner self behind wigs -- cute though they are--- afraid to reveal the real me for fear of rejection.
Don't get me wrong....this is not a pity party...but a way to explain this dreaded action that I would not wish on my worst enemy. There's no patch, no pill, no step program for this vice...all you get is "find something else to do with your hands," or "wear gloves," or "why don't you just stop???" That's my favorite...if it was that easy would so many people struggle with Trich every day? I'm praying for a cure, or at the very least to one day wake up and find that the urge to pull is gone for good! That would be divine.
In the meantime, I have to continue loving myself, knowing that this is not a barrier to finding love. In fact, it's opened my eyes to how important SELF love is before one can share in a loving relationship. This is my journey...this is part of my spiritual path...this is my story...my hair story...and so as I close this inaugural chapter, I pray that by writing I will slowly shed the last shackles of trich that keep me pulling, keep me hiding, keep me from truly, fully being ME. 061609
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In a lot of ways we all do things to comfort us in times when we feel "unworthy". Yes, it sounds so easy to think we can just STOP or LOVE OURSELF.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is self love is a life long process and it's not so easy.
The truth is when we sit alone in our own company, we are more exposed and just can't hide.
The truth is when the truth hits us, growth begins.
The truth is when growth begins, it hurts.
The truth is we never stop growing.